When you've just had a really bad gig, you get depressed for a long time. Unless you're brave enough to go out and do another gig straight away. It almost always isn't anywhere near as bad. But I don't usually do that. I'm a brittle boned comic. After a gig like Fridays I usually disappear from comedy for months and dwell on it until my castrated self belief regrows itself. Hence, I started this challenge. This time, obviously, the gig after the bad gig was even worse. My train journey home was about as fun as genital herpes. As I'm dwelling morosely on the death of my dream, in the distance I saw a red sky setting on the Olympic observation tower. Ah! A visual metaphor: Another grandiose dream setting into the dusk. Then I saw a field with some sheep in it. Another metaphor! Like the precious years of youth flushed away in pursuit of a cherished vagary - a load of sexually malleable animals going to waste in a shitty field. (I'll lay off the metaphors from now on, promise)
Every once in a while, a delusional person gets hit with a jolt of reality. This jolt breaks through the wall of their denial, the mental illness melts away and they experience a clarity they never had before. Once they realise how truly delusional they’d been, a depression kicks in, as the joyful, comforting fantasy world they’d created no longer exists. All that is left is the cold hard snap of reality, and a shell shocked, bug eyed gimp staring back in a mirror. That's what dying on your arse is like. You spend years fantasising that you are a man with a future, who has in his hands a precious destiny, then one bad gig in an Essex sports bar later, and there you are dribbling in a white hospital sheet, bare arse hanging out as you wheel your med stand up and down the ward. Muttering to yourself “FUCK this gig”.
I was thinking on the train last night about how all comics must loathe themselves deep down to put themselves through this shit. It's not healthy at all. After sending an apology to the promoter later on he very kindly said not to worry and keep on gigging. He did say that he was surprised, as he's never seen that before either gigging or promoting. True. I've never seen it before either. Act goes on, tells one joke. Then just suddenly walks off. As I said, at the moment, I am feeling a bit brittle. After the awfulness of Friday, when I looked down at my stuff, in that moment I just knew this would not be a good experience. I just wasn't willing in that moment to put myself through that. Not very professional, I know. Doing stand up, you do have to accept the risk that you will once in a while make a complete cunt of yourself. It IS degrading at times. That's what we put ourselves up for. That's the risk we take. I find that extremely hard. Sometimes, there is some part of me that won't allow it. There has to be a better way. A way to do it with dignity. A way for me to act like a prize bonehead in front of strangers without compromising my self respect. No there isn't. If you want to be a comedian, you have to let go of your dignity. Them's the rules.
Tonight was as close as I could possibly get to quitting. Three awful gigs, Wednesdays, Fridays and tonights. Then walking off after 30 seconds. This is as low as it gets. The whole thing is teetering on the edge of total collapse. All it will take to nudge me over the cliff is one tiny little whisper of air. So damn close. But not yet.
Glory or breakdown I said. I think tonight definitely fell into one of those brackets. They should just be grateful I didn't start smearing the walls in shit.
(Technically does this count as a gig? Well I travelled for 2 hours to Essex. I performed a bit - One joke - of comedy to an audience. It counts. Simon agrees. If you don't agree, please PM me or comment below and state why. I will genuinely consider scratching this gig off.)
Gig No.28 done. MC Freddie Jarvis, a nice bloke.
Reading this I think you're a bit negative. I'm not usually as old school as I was on the night, but after quite a long time of doing this I realise it's how you play the audience and adapt your material. They're a lively crowd sure, but I think they are quite generous if they sense you're trying. Walking off so soon doesn't sound like you gave it a chance (a good comedian should be able to win them around). Having discussed this with quite a few comedian of notes, we also don't think you can count this as a gig. Four minutes in USA or five minutes in UK are probably about the correct amount. If you want to discuss this further please get in touch.
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