May 27th, Tuesday. Gig No. 41, TNT, Kentish Town

Lets start with the toilet. I walked into the toilet in this venue, and was immediately stealth attacked by a horrendously awful smell. I thought I was having a stroke. What was the smell? No1s? No2s? No. The smell, I can only describe it as: Pure, concentrated male B.O. Yes. Like they’d harnessed the cumulative smells of a 1000 unwashed convicts in a maximum security prison wing and unleashed it into this tiny, airless little shit pit. Appalling. You should have seen my eyes. You’d think I was chopping fucking onions.

The guy in there taking a piss was weird. He was shoving cocaine up his nose at the same time. Cocaine is an expensive drug, it seems churlish to take the risk of snorting off a paper wrap when you’re pissing in a trough. Patience, dear fellow. Who said men can’t multi task? I can rub my tummy while circling my head with my other hand but this guy’s taking it to a whole other level. Operating a micturating penis while shovelling white powder up his nose - the man’s got talent. What disturbs me considering the smell was that he actually wanted to sniff something really hard in that particular environment. Maybe the cocaine had numbed his sinuses enough to cope with it. If you snort enough cocaine, you can bury your nose in the bum of a mountain goat and still come up smiling. (Cue very confused mountain goat.)

The gig was fun though. A packed room, and laughing punters. Most acts did very well. There was a girl dressed as a strawberry. Don’t ask me why. She just decided that was the night to go out dressed as as fruit. As you do. I wasn’t surprised. I’ve seen all kind of shit at gigs. Nothing throws me any more. A man could turn up dressed as a magical Faun (half man half goat) and go skipping around offering his bottom to cocaine crazed toilet botherers and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Actually, that’s already happened.

Gig highly recommended. Just don’t go to the toilet. Next time, I’m wearing a catheter.

(p.s. For legal reasons, I would like to stress that the venue were not aware of drug use on the premises, and he was neither a comic or an audience member. In fact, I made it all up. The Faun bit was definitely true though.)

Gig No.41 done. MC Jake Pickford. And girl dressed as strawberry.