June 7th, Friday. Gig No.50, Dog House, Kennington

Lots of weird observations on my way to this gig. But cause it was last Friday I can’t remember them. I really should get back into the habit of writing on the night I have the gig. It’s all getting a bit weird. I’m writing about a gig I did on Friday on Wednesday, pretending it’s Friday. It’s creepy. All I remember from Friday is seeing an extremely attractive blonde hottie on the train with really big lower ear lobes. Like stupidly big. If you just homed in on them and couldn’t see the rest of her you’d think she was a Greco Roman wrestler. I don’t know why that struck me. I guess I’ve always had a thing for girls like that. Not girls with cauliflower ears who look like wrestlers. Really beautiful girls with one glaring physical defect. Is that wrong? I’ve always been attracted to that. Stunning looks, and one stand out imperfection. Like the girl I saw years ago who looked like Cameron Diaz but had Dennis Taylor granny glasses. Or the tall green eyed girl at University with flawless skin and a broken nose. If you look like Charlize Theron but have one leg shorter than the other - Mama Mi!! You’ll drive me fucking crazy. What is that?

Anyway. Enough of my kinky little pecadillos. The other thing I remember is on the way to the gig I nearly got run over by a motability scooter doing 70 mph. Cunt nearly killed me. I’m developing a real personal bug bear with these fucks. Sure, I’ve got no problem with people who have walking impairments being given a lease of life. It’s a fine thing. In fact thinking about it, it’s just what my own Dad needs. (He should never be allowed near one. He’s a maniac. You can’t even put him in charge of an ashtray. Last time I did that I left for 5 minutes and when I came back he was threatening to shove it in someone's face.) But where I draw the line is when they’re driving like they’re in the Daytona 500. They’re too fast. Who in the mobility scooter production meeting actually said: "You know what, pensioners need to be able to get to the post office on time. Lets make sure they can drive 70 miles per hour. Lets get some horsepower under these fucks".

What we need on pavements are speed bumps not bobbies on the beat. Actually we need them too. To keep these nuts in check. They get a little bit of power and they take the fucking piss. And why are the scooters themselves so over the top? Outside my local KFC, I saw one guy whose scooter looked like something out of Star Trek. It actually looked like a flying saucer. It had levels. His was double stacked. Wing mirrors. White, pointed like a speedboat. With St Georges flag motif. Great, a motability kill machine driven by someone who has ties with the English Defence League. He even had a boot for his KFC bucket. What the fucks going on? I nearly had my ankles broken. My foot was five centimetres away from being roadkill. Great, just cause they have walking impairments, I have to have one too. Brilliant. Why don’t we soup the fucking lot of em up, run everyone over and we can do away with pedestrianisation once and for all.

Anyway, enough ranting about the disabled. Tonight was a major milestone: Gig No 50! That’s good isn’t it? Anyone? Anyone? Fuck yourselves. I’m going to find a supermodel who looks like she’s been in a few fights

Gig No.50 done. MC Alex Martini and Promoter So Ying Pang both being unnecessarily lascivious and letting their hands run away with themselves