Two days ago I noticed black mould creeping up the wall underneath my sink. “Right”, I said, “next time I go to the shops I’m getting some mould cleaner”. Two days passed. I still hadn’t bought any. And in those two days, my fear of black mould began to creep into my psyche like..well...black mould. Black mould is dangerous toxic shit, and if you breathe it in for long enough, you’ll have health problems like Tiny Tim. You’ll need proper medical care and a serious drug program if you’re going to get over it. A big christmas chicken from Mr Scrooge won’t cut it. So two days passed, and fuck it. I bit the bullet. I bought some mould cleaner, some sponges, plastic gloves and one of the those scrubbing sponges on a stick. “I’m going to deal with this. I can’t rely on Mr Scrooge for outdated medical care”
I got home with my bag of assorted mould weaponry, and went to work. Mould war. Lets do this. The first thing I did, I sprayed the mould with the cleaner. Instructions: Spray liberally, then wait five minutes. Mmm. Five minutes. Just enough time for a quick poo. I take a book into the toilet and kill five minutes. (It took 6 minutes, but who’s counting?) I pull my trousers up and make for my kitchen. An lo!! The black mould HAS DISAPPEARED. All of it - gone! Like invisible ink! Amazing stuff. Suddenly, I no longer have black mould. I no longer have that noxious lung nemesis infecting my clean air. My anxieties melt away and all is restored in Joe Hunter’s miserable little universe. And there did end one’s amazing mould adventures.
There.
Regretting asking me already eh? (If you feel like you've just wasted two minutes of your life reading this, how do you think I feel having spent 10 minutes writing it?)
Evil mould
I've got mould killer. Would have saved you some mouldy ole dough..
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