Bonus mould blog

I’ve been requested by one of my fans to write a bonus blog about demoulding. OK. I’ll give it my best shot.

Two days ago I noticed black mould creeping up the wall underneath my sink. “Right”, I said, “next time I go to the shops I’m getting some mould cleaner”. Two days passed. I still hadn’t bought any. And in those two days, my fear of black mould began to creep into my psyche like..well...black mould. Black mould is dangerous toxic shit, and if you breathe it in for long enough, you’ll have health problems like Tiny Tim. You’ll need proper medical care and a serious drug program if you’re going to get over it. A big christmas chicken from Mr Scrooge won’t cut it. So two days passed, and fuck it. I bit the bullet. I bought some mould cleaner, some sponges, plastic gloves and one of the those scrubbing sponges on a stick. “I’m going to deal with this. I can’t rely on Mr Scrooge for outdated medical care”

I got home with my bag of assorted mould weaponry, and went to work. Mould war. Lets do this. The first thing I did, I sprayed the mould with the cleaner. Instructions: Spray liberally, then wait five minutes. Mmm. Five minutes. Just enough time for a quick poo. I take a book into the toilet and kill five minutes. (It took 6 minutes, but who’s counting?) I pull my trousers up and make for my kitchen. An lo!! The black mould HAS DISAPPEARED. All of it - gone! Like invisible ink! Amazing stuff. Suddenly, I no longer have black mould. I no longer have that noxious lung nemesis infecting my clean air. My anxieties melt away and all is restored in Joe Hunter’s miserable little universe. And there did end one’s amazing mould adventures.

There.

Regretting asking me already eh? (If you feel like you've just wasted two minutes of your life reading this, how do you think I feel having spent 10 minutes writing it?)

Evil mould

Blog INTERMISSION

Blog INTERMISSION

Er, hiya! How’s it going? Alright? Cool. Me? Yeah, I’m er, good! Cool. Where have I been? Nowhere! Honest!

OK thats bollocks.

You want the truth? Ok. I’ll tell you the truth. Er, I’ve been in China! Yeah! Been um..training as a sleeper assassination agent. Yeah...Just waiting for my first mission now!

OK thats bollocks.

You want the truth? Ok. I’ll tell you the truth. Erm..I’ve been in South America! Yeah! River Plate signed me a striker and I’ve been banging in the goals but then my family got kidnapped and I’ve come back home because it’s safer.

OK thats bollocks.

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I CAN’T TAKE THIS SHIT!! I CAN’T STAND THE LIES!!!

You want the truth? OK, heres the truth. Erm... I’ve been in Mexico! No this is the truth this time. Mexico. For real. Why? You know that bit in Born on the Fourth of July when Tom Cruise fucks off to Mexico to drink tequila and sleep with whores to get over his disillusion with the war? Well that was me after Edinburgh. Yes. Edinburgh was my Vietnam. I very much see myself like a modern day Ron Kovic. You might think it would be crass to compare myself with a man who lost his legs. But I’m going to do it anyway. When I got back from Edinburgh, I lost my legs. My comedy legs. I spent the first month in September doing gigs with missing limb syndrome, scratching an itch that wasn’t there. Convinced I was still OK and I’d left all the bad shit back in the war. Then slowly I realised I really had lost my legs, and fucked off to Mexico. If you still think this analogy is crass, you have NO idea was Edinburgh was like. YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN!!!! YOU WEREN’T FUCKING THERE!! There are real war veterans right now, all over the world, with missing limbs, all saying the same thing: ‘I might have no legs, but man...At least I’ve never had to do three weeks in Edinburgh during Festival month’. (OK, it’s getting crass. All donations to this edition of this blog will go to Poppies. Not the charity, I have developed a private heroin factory to ease the pain of my stumps.)

Edinburgh burned me out. I’ll cover that when the time comes. Then September. And October. And November. Amd December. Oh, Christ. So much blog to catch up on.

So think of this as an Intermission. Like they had in old fashioned moves. Like they had in Kubricks’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. That film’s very similar to my blog. The film is a meditative masterpiece set in the ancient past and not too distant future, ultimately a speculation on a possible final evolutionary step for mankind. Moving beyond the physical and the technological, toward the metaphysical and the transcendental. The dark monoliths gently nudging humanity toward perfect knowledge and transendental rebirth.

And my blog... Well..er...it’s got monkeys in it?



So yeah. Thats what this is. An intermission. Sometimes films/blogs are so intense you need breaks. But now, coming soon in a browser near you, part two of my 365 challenge is coming. Be warned. It’s gonna get freaky.



(Me, arriving home on the train from Edinburgh)