June 27th, Friday. Gig No. 60, T Bird Bar, Finsbury Park

Gig went fairly well. Tried some new stuff. Tried an old joke I did years ago but didn’t do again. Now I remember why. Cause it hurts when I do it. Physically. It really fucking hurts. I probably deserve it really, cause it takes the piss out of epileptics. (You can see where this is going already eh? Wankers)

Basically, the joke is this:

Julius Caesar. Did you know he was epileptic? That’s ironic isn’t it? He was the most powerful man in the known world, commanded the largest army in the world. Yet he couldn’t even command his own body

“I came, I saw, I conq...” SUDDEN MASSIVE FIT ON THE FLOOR

Yes. I threw myself on the floor and had a rather convincing fit. Even one of the punters came up to me afterwards and said she thought it was real. Too real. Well, I woke up the next morning covered in fucking bruises, so yes, it was real. I’ve done it about three times now, and every time I get bruises. Bruises on my ankles, knees and elbows. I look like a model for one of those domestic abuse posters. (Imagine, you embark on a career as a model, and the only work you can get is for domestic abuse posters. Or brittle bone disease.) Here’s the one on my elbow:



So I am retiring this joke. As I finished onstage, I retired it. But I said something curious. I said: “That is the first and last time I’m ever performing that joke, so you have witnessed something special”. Or something to that effect. “The first time”? Why did I say that was the first time I said it. It isn’t. As I said, I’ve performed it maybe three times. But the last two times years and years ago. It was one of the first jokes I wrote. I accidentally kicked a woman’s leg in the front row when I first did it. She was really REALLY angry with me. She came up to me after the show to complain that it was deeply offensive to epileptics. I argued that I had tested it to AN ACTUAL EPILEPTIC and he thought it was funny. (Though to be fair, he has a chillingly sick sense of humour. He came round our house once and showed us a website of dead people dressed up as characters from South Park and laughed like a drain. It still disturbs me) Anyway, I retired it. I apologised for kicking her in the leg - you know, assaulting her - and to all epileptics vicariously through this sanctimonious witch. (She wasn’t pissed off for epileptics, she was pissed off for her leg. To be fair though, she probably had a big bruise too. See, I’m not the only one who gets hurt doing this joke. The audience gets hurt too)

So I retired it after her, I retired it after the second time when I woke up with more bruises than someone with a congential bone disorder, and now I’ve retired it again, this time for good. But with a lie. Why did I lie? It wasn’t the first time I performed it. I’ve done it before. The lie just popped out. Onstage. Afterwards, when I spoke about it to an act, he asked if that was really the first time I performed it, and without any time to think, I said “Yes”. I MAINTAINED THE LIE. Why the fuck did I do that? Why is it even worth lying about? The lie popped out impulsively, and suddenly I was forced to maintain it. I bet that’s how compulsive liars and con men start. With an innocent lie. The lie gets reinforced in some way, and they’re obliged to maintain it. Then another lie is need to prop up that lie. Then another. And another. Before you know it, 5 years later, you have no idea who you are. You’re on the run from the police, you have several false identities, and you’re plotting to fake your own death by pretending to die in a canoe. Then escape to Peru to live a new life as a peasant. Well.

IT STOPS NOW. I’M COMING CLEAN. I HAVE PERFORMED THIS JOKE BEFORE AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS ABOUT IT.

“I've got to break free
I want to break free, yeah
I want, I want, I want, I want to BREAK free...”

AND I LIED ABOUT IT. I DO CARE SLIGHTLY WHO KNOWS ABOUT THIS, CAUSE IT’S FUCKING WEIRD.

“Save me, save me, save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me, save me, save me...
I'm naked and I'm far from home...”*

*Queen lyrics. Always good for a laugh

Gig No. 60 done. MC Gwilum Argos

*Picture to be uploaded as I forgot to take it. Will get it sorted ASAP

Meanwhile, here is a picture of a Chihuahua that sat on my lap at Hideaway last week:


This brings to mind one of my first Facebook statuses all those years ago:

“Joe..is forcing himself on a Pekingese Chihuahua”

This time, a Chihuahua is forcing itself on me

*Chihuahua is really hard to spell, I had to Google it. I also had to Google "Is it illegal to sexually assault a Chihuahua". Funny how a minor spell check search can wind up. (*Deletes History)

** I'm enjoying getting some use out of the *star button. I shall have to find ways to make use of it more often:

"Joe Hunter is the new star of comedy" *****

*That's going on my poster

**And so is my Chihuahua